Erika Johnsen

So life for me is crazy... I have decided in the last couple days that I finally know how to descibe the mix of emotions to others... The best way I can explain it is that I am trying to get used to the idea that I don't belong in my own life anymore... it sounds so depressing I know, but let me explain... I finished up with all my school work last Saturday, and have since then got a glimpse of how it feels to not belong or worry about school when everyone else is... suddenly I don't belong at school, which has been a ginormous part of my life since I was 5... so that alone would make it wierd. But then you add on other things like... I finished up the last of my IWA calling responsibilities yesterday afternoon, and suddenly I don't have anything left to do in the organization that has been in my life for the last four year, suddenly I don't belong to it... and Logan... It has been my home, for years... and I feel like I can't stay here, it wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be good for me, and with that knowledge I instantly don't belong here. That is how I feel with everything... I feel the need to move on, and it brings with it a odd detatched feeling that I am not sure I know how to handle. Now I don't want you to get me wrong, I don't mean this to sound so depressing, it is more of a foreign feeling than a sad one, I'm just trying to figure out how to let go and hold on to what I need to. It is a sifting sort of thing, and an understanding that from here I have to start completely over, something that always having school in my life has saved me from having to do since I was little. I don't know how to do a career, or a social life without school, I don't know how to do a summer knowing that the habits of summer don't have a new school year to break it up. I don't know how to do any routine for longer than 6 months, so it will be new territory from here on out. I'm weirded out but I am excited. I like the idea of something getting me out of my comfort zone, I like the anticipation of discovering more about myself, meeting new people that were meant to be in my path, and just figuring it all out again. I think every so often we should all be challenged in that way, and to that extent. It is the best thing for us to break the habits and have a chance to refine them even more. I like the idea that I can do whatever I want with that new found freedom, I can be a better person without the life I have always had keeping me from change. I like the chance to say, ok from here on out I want to excercise, pick up tennis, cooking, start doing things that I have said, oh when I graduate I'll have time for that... now I know that I might not have time for all that I have planned, but the thing is that I can if I want to. The mix of emotions is endless, it's excited, reflective, re-energized, ambitious, scared, lost, lonely, happy, a sense of acomplishment... etc etc.. it is bitter sweet, and I am excited to figure it all out. As of now this is all I have worked out... I am moving to Provo! Yup that is about it, and even that doesn't make sense. "Why Provo" you might ask, it is because it dawned on me about three weeks ago that moving home would be the worst decision I could make for myself right now! I was talking with a friend 3 weeks ago about graduating and my plans after, and I explained to her that the next 6 months were going to be the hardest ones, just trying to transition and being in the rut I usually get into at home for the summers of just going to work and then coming home.... and then it dawned on me... I KNOW that this is going to be a rut! I KNOW without a doubt that I am not going to like the habits I get into when I go home and the feeling of being bored, lazy, and all the other things that happen when I live at home, and that is when it hit me that this is by choice! I was basically choosing to not like life for the next 6 months... why would I do that? I just realized that I was basically waiting for life to happen to me or work itself out as opposed to making it work for me. It sounds basic but I realized that I have to make choices that will at least maybe make me happy, so after that moment I literally changed my life. I have a friend moving down to Provo for the summer for no real reason, and when I changed my mind I didn't have a purpose either so we decided to do it togther. Now Whitney goes to USU and will be back up in the Fall but it gives me at least a few months to start over somewhere and that should be enough. So that is "why provo" I still don't have a job, and I have been hunting for months, but I am ok with it, I know that it will work out just how it is supposed to and just when it is supposed to, so I am planning on moving down there on Saturday and figuring it all out from there. I am so excited to be closer to all of you! It will be fun to be able to make it to the exciting things in all of you lives. I've been missing out! Ok wow besides that, my mom is for sure moving to Arizona... she leaves on the 7th which will be really wierd. Jenna finds out what she is having at her next appointment, which will be so fun. I graduate on saturday morning. and yeah I think that about covers it! I hope and plan to see all of you soon, but until then know that I love you and I think about you all the time!